Windolene & Swarfega
by Thomas Tom Tom
Summary: Raven discovers Robin's odd drinking habits. My brain at its insane, Crack!fic writing, absolute worst. Totally has FIVE chapters and romance now. Additionally is 20% cooler than it was previously. With Batman.
1. Windolene & Swarfega

**A/N: This oneshot came about as a result of watching too much Red Dwarf and Doctor Who at the same time as I ate a bowl of rice and drank about a litre of Sprite. **

**If it's miserable, tell me and I'll put it through my depraved mind a second time and make it even more so.**

**THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: YOU MUST READ THIS WHILE LISTENING TO THE SONG "The Fez" by Steely Dan.  
**

**I'd say "Enjoy", but that implies that it's possible to enjoy this.**

* * *

**Windolene and Swarfega **

After a particularly taxing faceoff with Deathstroke, most of the Titans elected to simply sleep it off.

Not so Raven.

She went for a walk, quietly strolling around the corridors.

When she got in close proximity to the common room, however, she heard a faint voice (one that sounded suspiciously like Robin's) singing.

Robin. _Singing. _He didn't sing. Ever.

Something was up; so she floated over to the doors, pushed a button to open them and entered the room, stepping gently down onto the floor.

She could hear Robin's lilting singing quite clearly now, being almost right behind him.

He was singing Bob Dylan's "Shelter From The Storm."

Not only that, but since he hadn't noticed her yet, something was clearly wrong with him.

She cleared her throat. "Never took you for a blues fan, Boy Blunder."

Robin span around far too quickly in his seat on the couch.

"Oh. Hi, Rae-Rae. Heh." he said, attempting to get up, and failing miserably.

Now something was _definitely _up. Robin did not call her "Rae-Rae" unless he was either insane or had a death wish. And not being able to get up? Not possible.

Robin gestured haphazardly for her to sit on the couch beside him, and she complied, if only to find out what was up with him.

Or so she told herself.

Robin hiccuped.

"Robin," she said, slightly shocked, "have you been _drinking?" _

Robin threw his arms up in the air. "Yes, obviously. Now, before you kill me, I'm sorry I drank four litres of that pink shit in the bottle marked "Raven" and yes, I know it was alcoholic, that's why I drank it; sometimes I just feel so crap I need some kind of intoxication just to feel any better at all, you know. Sorry. Feel free to murder me in whatever imaginative way you choo-"

Raven interrupted him with a shocked question. "You drank my Windolene?"

Robin looked confused. "Windolene?"

"I was cleaning the window outside of my room yesterday, and I must have forgotten to put it away."

Robin shrugged. "It tasted alright with that green liquor-ey stuff I found at the back of your locker in the garage."

"You drank my Swarfega too?" Raven choked, trying to stop herself from laughing at his "meh, I don't care if I just drank industrial cleaner" look.

Robin nodded. "I didn't really read the label."

"Oh my god, that is hilariou- Wait, why did you go through my locker?" Raven asked.

"I wanted to find one of your cloaks and cry deeply into it, obviously." Robin said sarcastically. "I didn't pick and choose, I just went for the one that was closest. God, my head hurts."

Raven snorted. "Of course it does, that Windolene is practically 99% alcohol. You've had about a hundred units of alcohol, I'm surprised you can still talk."

"A hundred, eh? An eighteenth of the alcohol content of a Glaswegian bar."

"How do you know the alcohol content of a Glaswegian bar?"

"Weird night with Speedy and Kid Flash. Don't ask."

"I don't think I want to."

Robin looked sideways at her. "The same night I had to punch Speedy out to stop him from professing his undying love to some waitress. Think her name was Jade or something..."

"Robin, I really do not want to hear about your evidently raunchy midnight escapades."

"Says the girl with a copy of _Fifty Shades Of Grey _hidden in her closet."

A lightbulb exploded.

"There's a reason for that, it's...um...I don't know, distracting?" the girl in question said, blushing.

"I believe the term you were looking for is _erotic." _

"It is not."

"Yeeeess, it is. However, while we're on the subject of erotic things, you've got that face on again." Robin said, stretching.

"Which face would that be?"

"The he's-cute-when-he's-right face."

"This is my normal face." Raven said, going very slightly pink.

"Yes, it is." Robin said triumphantly.

She realised what she'd done.

"Shut up, you."

Robin managed a "Not a chance" before she slapped a hand over his mouth.

Raven looked at him as he told her (in Sign Language, which she didn't know he knew) "Please let me go, you madwoman"

"Do you promise not to be a complete jerk?"

Robin nodded innocently and she let him go.

They sat in silence for a minute or two, until Robin (in his drunken state) decided it was a good idea to rest his head on Raven's shoulder and rub it up and down quietly.

She would have been (mostly) alright with that fact (this was Robin after all, and he was pretty hot anyway) if he hadn't also decided to say "Some days, Raven, I just want to snog your face off."

It was at this point that most of the room exploded and a large chunk of ceiling panel detached itself and smacked them both on the head, before falling to the floor in front of them.

And so, the sequence of events that, come morning, had Raven in a destroyed room, clutching her head with a sleeping Robin drooling into her breasts and vowing to never allow him access to alcohol ever again, while Cyborg had fifteen different kinds of major system failure at the sight, was over.


	2. The Alcohol Content Of A Glaswegian Bar

**A/N: This needed writing. **

* * *

**The Alcohol Content Of A Glaswegian Bar **

"It must be hard, you know, being the only speedster in the TT and also the only person with a pink-hair fetish." Speedy remarked to Kid Flash, who was perched on a bar stool to his left, drinking shots in fast-motion.

"Meh, I'm not really shure. I think old Robsh hash it worse, being completely no-powers and shucky (no offence, Arrow Boy) and alsho being infatuated with a half-demon who'sh only purposhe in life was to deshtroy the world _and _on top of that, being the leader and all that shit." Kid Flash slurred.

"Guys, I'm sitting right here." Robin said, albeit looking in the completely wrong direction. "And besides, _she _didn't destroy the world, her crazy, demonic, horn headed, wackjob, _monstrosity _of a dad did. Tried to. Didn't." he said, waving his arms to punctuate every word.

The three heroes were in a bar about thirteen metres away from Glasgow Central Station.

"HEY! I bet I can hit that dartboard with an arrow from here!" Speedy said suddenly. "If I do, can you buy me a diamond ring, Robs?"

Robin looked at the slightly blurry dartboard. "Eh, sure. What happens if you miss?"

"I'm not going to mish."

"Mish?"

"What?"

"You said mish. You're drunk, Arrowboy."

"I am not. I'm not going to mish, and you'll have to buy me a diamond ring, and stuff."

"Yep, you're drunk."

"I am not pished!"

Speedy drew his bow and groped for a random arrow. The entire bar was cleared out, (who stays in a bar when three superheroes walk in?) apart from the landlord, who was cowering in the corner. It didn't help that the three had already bought his whole bar between them.

Speedy shot his arrow at the dartboard, missing it by a mile, only for it to ricochet off a lampshade, a pint glass, and Robin's belt, to hit the dartboard, stick in, and slowly play "Here Comes The Bride" over and over while shooting confetti into the air.

"Why do you have a wedding arrow?" Kid Flash asked, confused.

"Same reason Robs has a mistletoe birdarang. Just in case." Speedy answered.

"I don't have a mistletoe birdarang, it's a grenade." Robin said. "I have a disco-rang though."

"What on Earth does a Disco-Rang do?"

"Makes people dance uncontrollably. I borrowed the specs from Music Meister." Robin said proudly.

"I need some of those. Now." Speedy muttered hazily.

"Can't have them. They're mine. Here's your diamond ring."

"You have a diamond ring in your belt?" Kid Flash exclaimed. "Why do you have a diamond ring in your belt?"

"In case I have to propose on mission. Batman has one." Robin said, as though that explained everything.

"Why in the name of all that'sh holy would you need to proposhe on mishon?"

"No idea, it's just in case I ever do."

"Yeah, but why would you? What could posshibly happen whicsh would neceshitate a proposhal?"

"You know we've drank the entire bar."

"_We _haven't; Kid Drunk here has." Speedy told the Boy Wonder imperiously.

"Fasht metabolishm." Kid Flash held his hands up in protest.

"We've had, um, in excess of 18,000 units between us." Robin said, doing the calculation on a piece of paper stored in his belt.

"How'd you work that out?"

"Maths."

"Hey, there'sh Jade again." Kid Flash hiccoughed.

"Where?!" Speedy asked, jumping up and looking around.

"There. Beshide the lamp posht"

Speedy ran outside, followed by Robin, followed at length by Kid Flash.

Speedy got down on one knee in front of the stunned girl, and was just about to say "Will you marry me?" when Robin punched him square in the face and dragged him off, making hasty apologies to Jade about how Speedy was drunk and had no idea what he was doing, et cetera, et cetera.

"Well. At leasht that'sh over." Kid Flash said to himself, before tripping over an atom and falling face first into a blue police box that was nestled in the weeds growing in the corner between the bar and the apartment block next to it.


	3. Royrity, Science, and Bronies

**A/N: Oh this is just superb. Marvel at my ingeniously shite writing. **

**Oh, and if anyone quotes Speedy here in a review, I will love them forever. **

**translation: review this already**

* * *

**ROYRITY, SCIENCE, and BRONIES: Alcohol isn't Fun**

Deathstroke. A-bloody-gain. This time, Robin had called in Speedy and Kid Flash to help.

It didn't go particularly well. Sure, the Titans won, but they did managed to sort of break most of the East End of Jump City.

So, as Raven was becoming rather accustomed to, Robin, Kid Flash and Speedy had gotten completely smashed and given the team the night off.

However, she had only _heard _about the absolute insanity that those three got up to, not actually seen it. So she was naturally a little confused when she walked in on Speedy, his hair a _lovely_ purple colour and three diamonds painted on his left cheek, dreamily reading _Italian Vogue _on the couch. She coughed and he turned around.

"Oh, _hello_ darling! I hadn't expected to see you here so early, what could you ever need?" he asked in a very pronounced Midwestern accent. He noticed Raven's slightly beaten up cloak and suddenly all the colour drained out of his face. "Oh my stars, darling. You can't _possibly _be seen _dead _in that...monstrosity! You simply _must _let me fix it up for you. Oh my my, what _will _the tabloids think of it? Do we Titans simply let anyone in? Oh dear, no, we couldn't have that."

He span gracefully around and whisked the torn cloak off her shoulders and trotted over to a nearby sewing machine, which he fired up and began merrily clicking away at the tears and rips.

Raven attempted a protest, but was shouted (trilled) down by an inexorable Speedy.

"No no no, I insist! You simply _must_ let me fix this up, darling. I'll have this ready by tomorrow, darling, all right? We can't have you looking like some _vagrant _we stole off the streets, now can we? Ah, this might take some time...I think it needs a little more...pazzazz! Yes, oh, yes. That is _precisely what it needs._ I'll bring it to you in the morning, on the dot of ten!"

Raven backed slightly cautiously out of the room, as Speedy continued twittering rapidly while sewing (not something she ever thought she'd see him do) remarkably precisely along lines he'd somehow drawn on in the three seconds she'd been distracted.

* * *

Raven continued along the corridor till she found a sign with some ear defenders hung beneath it, saying _**PUT THESE ON IF YOU WISH TO PRESERVE DIGNITY **_in large black letters.

She put the ear defenders on. And pushed open the laboratory doors.

What first met her eyes was Beast Boy. In a large glass tube in which a spinning disco ball extruding from a Birdarang was fixed to the ceiling. Doing a dance that seemed remarkably familiar to the one which featured in "Saturday Night Fever." While the song "Let's Dance" by David Bowie played. (scientific fact: it is impossible to resist dancing to this song in some way)

The song gave her a small (yet definite) urge to throw caution to the wind and dance the night away. She punched the urge down into the depths of her mind and shot it a few times to make sure it was dead.

She walked up to the control panel (unable to help herself from nodding her head to the music), where Kid Flash (also wearing ear defenders, but he was definitely swaying gently from left to right) was fiddling with various levers and sliders and buttons with a frustrated look on his face.

"What are you doing to Beast Boy?" she asked.

"Nothing! Nothing that's hurting him, anyway. I'm just trying to work out how Robsh gets this..." he took a deep breath and smashed his hand off a convenient table seated next to him, sobbing loudly, "STUPID BLOODY PIECE OF ABSOLUTE EVIL SHIT TO WORK JESUS CHRIST I'M A SCIENTIFIC FAIIIIILUREEEE! NOBODY SHIPSH BIRDFLASH! Not that I want them to, but still. ALSO I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH THIS BOX!" He pointed to a large blue police box which definitely hadn't been there three seconds ago.

"Okay...um...let me know how that turns out. Have you seen Robin?" Raven asked, gingerly patting the bawling Kid Flash on the shoulder.

Kid Flash sniffled a bit and blew his nose. "I...I think he went up to the roof. After we switched Speedy'sh personality around with - WHY DO YOU HATE ME, GOD OF SCIENCE!?"

He broke down into tears again.

* * *

Raven fled the lab and headed out towards the roof, hoping to find Robin and end this madness.

He caught her in a corridor and swept her into the guest bedroom.

"_Hell-o_ Rae!"

_This may not have been thought out quite as well as I had anticipated, _she thought as Robin let go of her, looking immensely pleased with himself.

He cleared his throat. "Sorry. Had to get your attention somehow, and why not start by going all playboy on you. Which I totally should have done sooner, you're like the best looking girl in the whole Titans..."

A lightbulb somewhere exploded.

"Shit. Didn't mean that. Well, I did, but I didn't mean to say it. Not that I wouldn't say it, if given the chance again, but I figured that I'd say it under much more romantic circumstances."

A couple of windows broke.

"I should probably stop talking."

"Yeah, that might be a good idea. Unless you like exploding." she half-snapped, but his babbling was so hilariously cute it was difficult not to be a little amused.

"I'm cool with explosions, after all, you blow my mind." Robin said. "OK, that was miserably, miserably, _miserably _Wally."

A window flew across the room and flat out _nailed_ Robin.

"I didn't know Wally was an adjective."

Robin picked himself up as, obviously, he was indestructible.

"You don't know a lot of things. For example, that time Speedy took me and KF to Vegas and we basically just drove around in a Ford Cortina constantly listening to Haddaway's "What is Love?". Or that time I used a laser to slice the Batwing in half. Do you want to go down to the T-Jet and make out for a bit? I'm pretty sure it's soundproofed."

She inadvertently hit him with the window again.

"Is this what normally happens when you three get drunk?"

"90% of the time, yes." Robin answered, nursing his jaw.

"What about the other 10%?" Raven asked, curious.

"We go to My Little Pony fan conventions."

"THAT WAS ONE TIME, ROB! AND IT WAS TWO YEARS AGO!" Kid Flash shouted from the lab.

"EXCUSE ME, DARLINGS, BUT IT WAS LAST WEEK, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" Speedy trilled impossibly loudly. Raven was sure she could hear him still on that sewing machine.

"Ok then...can I just leave now? You three are literally scaring _me._"

"I think we did ask you to leave about four hours ago, on the premise that there would be three extremely drunk playboy nutjobs in the tower all night, and we were concerned for your modesty."

"I don't remember you saying that."

"Oddly, neither do I."

"Remind me never to let you get drunk again."

"I did, and you let me anyway. That's oddly arousing."

The ceiling panel pulled itself out of the ceiling and smashed Robin about the head, knocking him out for sure.

Raven decided this would be a good time to beat a hasty retreat.

Just after she made sure Robin wasn't dead or anything.


	4. Adventures in Sense and Insensibility

**A/N: The product of the Arrow fandom's Olicity ship, a stolen plotline from an Avengers fanfic I think I favourited and you can find on my profile, and good old-fashioned British ingenuity. Also Doritos. And Jane Austen. **

**Review, as I haven't done something this silly in a LONG time. **

**If Bill Nye the Science Guy doesn't have a theme, he goddamn has one now. I COMMAND IT.**

* * *

**Further Adventures in Sense and Insensibility**

They had finally gone insane this time, Raven reflected – wearing her stunningly embroidered (with white thread ravens) and sequinned cloak (God, she looked like she was competing in _Strictly Come Dancing_) with the hood up – as she gazed tiredly at the ridiculous box that Robin, Kid Flash and Speedy were currently occupied with.

Well, Speedy just sort of waved uncoordinatedly from the sidelines, but she was 90% sure this was his idea.

They were using the practically unlimited resources of the Titans Tower laboratory make a _washing machine_. One that, as Kid Flash had so eloquently hiccuped to her "It'll like wash your clothesh, _while you're wearing them." _

Raven face-palmed. There was no way this was going to work. Even _if _Kid Flash had two hard science degrees. Which she was fairly certain he didn't have. And all Robin had was the intro to Bill Nye the Science Guy playing on a small radio in the corner.

"Aaaaaaaaaaand...that should be it. Well, maybe if we reverse the neutron flow and re-set the anti-cat hard drive matrix...yeeeeah...that should work..." Robin said, twiddling a switch on the box roof and backflipping gracefully off into a heap on the floor.

"Now all we need is a teshter." Kid Flash said, looking around. Speedy was currently attempting to play "Through the Fire and Flames" on a bongo drum, so no luck there. He then noticed the four or five Ravens floating around on the peripheral of the room.

"Hey, why don't we jusht grab one of thoshe Ravens over there?"

Robin untangled himself and leapt to his feet. "Excellent idea! Raven, would you mind ever so to just jump in our box here, and, I don't know, tell us if it works or not?"

Raven sighed. This is what she should have expected when she "volunteered" (read: got left behind and was expected to be up) for Robin/Speedy/KF watching.

She padded over to the box, cloak flying majestically behind her. Robin stuck his head around the side and proffered a pair of black bracelet things. Raven gave him a "what's this?" look and he clipped them onto her wrists, a small orange light pinging on when they closed.

"These are to give the auto-wash thingy camera thing something to lock on to. Calm."

Raven opened the door to the box, stepped inside and waited.

She heard Robin pressing buttons and laughing maniacally, then a whirring noise coinciding with the lighting up of a million different lights on the plastic interior. The sound of two people high-fiving and then an "Ow, you broke my wrist! _Again_!" in Kid Flash's voice came from outside.

"I guess it's working then?" Raven said through the box door.

"Oh, you have _no _idea, Rave. It's working. _Perfectly. According. To. Plan." _Robin replied through the box.

An odd brownish gas sprayed out of a nozzle that appeared from somewhere, and Raven suddenly felt oddly light-headed.

Then a blue gas sprayed from another nozzle and Raven felt like she had been hit round the head with a large gold brick wrapped in a slice of lemon.

There was a loud "bing!" and the door swung open.

Raven basically fell out of the box, and Robin caught her with the maximum possible level of suspicious readiness.

No, really, he had his hands out before the door even opened.

Raven giggled a bit from her soft seat in Robin's arms and her hood slipped off her head. "I'm beginning to seriously doubt that that is a washing machine."

"Weeeell, you'd probably be right."

"What's it actually for?"

"Mm? Nothing."

"Tell me." Raven whined, twirling a piece of her hair around a finger. "I want to know what it does."

Speedy and Kid Flash shoved a convenient sofa underneath Robin's legs and he fell onto it, Raven still (sort of) clinging on to him.

"Fine, it resets the main temporal cortex of the brain to make the subject undergo a reaction not unlike that of someone who has rapidly consumed approximately seventeen-"

"Ro-bin, in English, please." Raven said in a sing-song voice.

"It does sciencey stuff to your head to make you all funny."

"So it's a drunk machine? What are the bracelets for?"

"No! It's a machine that makes drunk. The bracelets stop you from blowing the Tower to smithereens. They're power dampeners."

"Dude, what the hell?" Speedy interjected. "'_It's a machine that makes drunk?'_ That didn't even make sense!"

"Shut up, Speedy." Robin said lazily. "It's not like this was your idea or anything."

"The washing machine line was my idea."

"Point taken."

"Really?"

"No."

Kid Flash moonwalked past the sofa. "Should have seen that coming. And I thought the box made you high?"

"I didn't know you could moonwalk, Flashy." Raven said, as she became incredibly interested in a wayward piece of Robin's hair which flopped down away from the rest.

"I didn't either, but hey, just attach some castor wheels made of ice to your boots and there you go!" 'Flashy' said, lifting up his right foot to show her, and yet still continuing on his incredibly slow crusade to the other end of the room. "And only Jinx calls me 'Flashy.'"

* * *

The conversation sailed this way and that, resulting in Raven giggling far more than even Happy had a right to, sometimes doing a little squeal and laughing uncontrollably for minutes on end at something incredibly stupid, and then in her finally getting bored and noticing the radio again.

"Robin, I'm bored." she said.

"You said so earlier." Robin replied. He had managed by this time to get her actually sitting on the sofa rather than on his lap (with much protestation from the party in question).

"But I'm bored."

"So what do you want to do about it?"

"I want you to dance with me."

"Dance?"

"Dance."

"What kind of dance? Break?"

"Stop messing around and get Speedy to put some slow dancing music on. Why is he called Speedy when he's not fast in any respect whatsoever?"

"That...is...uh...a story for another time. Speeds! Music!"

Speedy obediently pressed a button on the radio.

"_Quicksand_ by La Roux is not my idea of _slow dancing music, _Speedy_._" Raven said testily. "I was thinking of something a bit more _classical._"

Speedy paused for a moment. "Uh...does that mean _Music Sounds Better With You _by Stardust is out of the question?" he asked, finger poised over a button.

"Obviously."

Speedy finally worked out what slow dancing music was and a slow, violin-heavy piece echoed around the room.

Kid Flash stuck his head up from behind the table he had recently crashed into (which unfortunately had had two large boxes of glitter and sequins on it), sparkling like he was made of diamonds and gasped. "Oh my god, it's really happening."

The scene when Cyborg, Beast Boy and Starfire returned soon afterwards was Robin and Raven in a stilted waltz around the lab while Speedy and Sequin Flash cried loudly into matching monogrammed handkerchiefs.

Cyborg left the dancing Birds to their own devices as he escorted the rest out, Speedy and Sequin Flash wailing to the heavens that "they grew up so fast!"

He also vowed to take a look at that weird box in the corner.


	5. The Wrong Batmans

**A/N: ... **

**...I...I don't even know what this story is anymore...**

**someone halp**

**Review! Like, a lot! Because if you don't tell me this is shite and stop me now then this may go on forever. I don't own Christian Bale.**

* * *

**The Wrong Batmans: A Sort Of Definitely Not Beer Induced Bat Fetish**

"We're getting an abundance of "days off" recently, are we not, friends?" Starfire asked.

"Yeah, we are... and Raven never seems to come with us either. Such a mystery." Beast Boy said, stroking his imaginary beard in wonderment and adjusting his imaginary deerstalker hat.

"She doesn't like these team bonding things as much as Robin likes secret belt compartments. I don't see the mystery." Cyborg reasoned. "I would, however, like to know what they do with Speedy and KF when KF and Speedy invariably end up either crying or with someone else's personality. And what's that box for?"

Beast Boy grinned lewdly. "Is it just me that's getting the image of x-rated videos on the internet?"

Cyborg slapped him. "Yes. It is." He then searched every available search engine for "teen titans drunk x-rated movies" while silently apologising to God every two seconds.

* * *

Robin was getting far too good at catching Raven as she fell out of the box into his arms. True, there was that time the box had been positioned at a different orientation than was normal and she smacked her head off the lab floor.

But otherwise he was always dead on.

True to form, Robin caught Raven and deftly fell over so she was lying on his chest.

Raven brightly asked, "Have you considered stabilisers?" and Robin shook his head then turned it into a nod at the last minute so his head did an odd elliptical movement and then he shrugged.

Speedy, wearing a dark cowl and a cape, span around in his evil swirly black chair to face a laughing Kid Flash, who was clad in Robin's signature outfit.

"I have sensed," he said, like he was gargling marbles, "a disturbance in the Bat-Force."

"Have you, my Master? What is it?" Kid Flash replied in a deep, gravelly voice.

"The Bat-Bat has gone missing, the Batchair has a squeaking joint, and, worst of all, no one can find Reginald." Speedy said darkly.

"My God. No wonder Goffam Settee is in shambles. Shall I prepare the Bat-Caviar? Or the Bat-Tricycle? Perhaps the Bat-Vicar?"

"Not this time, my loyal apprentice. This time we must use the Bat-Chocolate-In-Bat-Themed-Valentines-Boxes to defeat...the Bat-Wenches."

Kid Flash broke character for a second. "What are the Bat-Wenchesh?"

"The Bat-Wenches," Speedy said (entirely in character) imperiously with a flourish of his cape, "are a secret division of women Batman and Robin keep in constant backup for when there is a problem too large for them to handle. Namely, the Bat-Dishes."

Kid Flash pondered this for a minute while Robin and Raven extricated themselves from the floor and two-stepped over to the BatSpeedy and his Kid Roblash.

"Where did you get hold of Batman's cape and cowl?" Robin asked. Speedy looked at him like he had just asked how to breathe.

"Some guy called Christian Bale on eBay."

"Oh. Okay."

"Can I get some of that Bat-Chocolate-In-Bat-Themed-Valentines-Boxes because I think it's mine and Robin's Ruby anniversary in three days." Raven asked.

"What? When did we get married? How long was I asleep?" Robin asked, turning to Raven in shock.

Speedy held up a series of offical-looking documents signed with both Robin "Robin" Robin and Raven "Raven" Robin's signatures and the signature of one Reverend Wallace "Rainbow Dash" West, dated Wednesday 12st February 1984.

"Oh. That long."

Speedy smashed his Batgauntleted fist on the table and, completely in character, uttered his conviction that unless everyone put on Batman costumes right god-damned now, no-one would read Roy Harper's Teen Titans gossip magazine.

Everyone put on Batman costumes and then Batman ordered a Toast to Roy Harper's Teen Titans gossip magazine, so the four completely wasted Batmans raised some burnt pieces of bread to the sky.

* * *

Fifteen hands of Bat-Poker (like normal poker, except all the cards are the Batman of Diamonds) later, Batman had become both incredibly rich and incredibly female in the space of a few hours, due to the other two Batmans and the original female Batman building a genderswitch machine with chewing gum, staples and a nuclear fusion reactor then selling it to 4chan.

When Cyborg, Starfire and Beast Boy returned from team bonding, they discovered two of the Batmans making out in the corner of the room, while two other Batmans hung upside-down from the ceiling in a hammock made of grapnel guns, calling each other ridiculously fluffy names like "snugglebun" that would have made a fanfiction writer cry with happiness.

Cyborg, Starfire and Beast Boy immediately turned on their heels and went to find some way of permanently clearing that particular memory from their minds. Preferably permanently.

* * *

**Fun fact: Raven and Robin were not making out in the corner. **

**MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**


End file.
